Here in Texas (2)

Phong was the middle brother, one year younger than Tuan and three years older than me. As with any traditional Asian family, if the oldest was a boy, he would be the favorite. And the youngest? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter what nationality you are, they’re the spoiled ones. That leaves everyone in between. From what I hear in other normal families, the middle one was at worse, the ignored one. That was possibly the case with Phong, but with an added bonus. He was the focal point for my dad whenever something bad happened. He’d always try to find some sort of link back to Phong. As if, he was the root of everything bad. I always thought Phong had done something really bad in the past. Something that they wouldn’t tell me no matter how many times I asked. I’d like to say I fought for my brother. Even pleaded for him.

I never did.

I was too young and too afraid to do anything against my dad.

At that time, I was really close to him. Loved him to death. I hated being away from him. Even thought he was the one that gave birth to me, not knowing what “birth” meant. I’d cling to him where ever he was. He gave me loads of attention. Hugs. Piggy back rides. A seat on his lap at the dining room table. VIP service. All I had to do was walk up and tap him. He’d reach down and pull me with his two strong hands. It was something I loved to abuse when we had guests and wanted attention. I’d interrupt their conversations. Ask some stupid question they find silly. They’d laugh and start asking me questions. Whatever I misunderstood entertained them more. Especially when my dad asks who gave birth to me. That always erupted in pandemonium. My dad loved having that over my mom.

When they had me, they wanted a girl. Yeah, not cool! But anyways, months into the pregnancy they tried affecting the outcome the only way they could. My dad surrounded my mom with pictures of little girls. Listen to songs sung by women. Did everything you’d think was absurd. But guess what, this was a normal thing to do. They knew it wasn’t serious. It wouldn’t change anything. It’s like buying a lottery ticket. Realistically, you probably aren’t going to win. Still, that 30 seconds of dreaming about what you’d do with the money is worth it. This was worth it for them. It lasted the whole nine months. And to their disappointment, I was born a boy. A let down huh? Another boy to add to the collection. The difference between my time and theirs was that from my inception to my birth, times were good. There was a war, but for my parents, it was the best time of their life together. So when I was born, I didn’t cry. And when the nurse brought me to my mom, I smiled. That’s all it took. I was the prize, a prize that will be used in many ways later. For now, it was complete love and affection.

The way my dad spoiled me was probably what made my brothers resent me. Resentfulness might not be the word. Jealous? No, I don’t think that’s the right word either. It was simply unfair.

“I saved the Peanuts for you,” I put my torn out newspaper next to him.

Phong turned his head on the pillow, away form me. He was lying on his stomach. Our beds were small spring held beds that met me at eye level. He was still crying. You couldn’t hear him, but his body was shaking. Under orders to be quiet or else the belt comes out again.

“If you don’t want it, I’m going to throw it away,” I snatched it and threw it on the floor.

In hindsight, I think I could have been more compassionate. Yeah, I know I was just a kid, a stupid kid. But I was aware enough to know what happened, why I shouldn’t be mad at him. This was how I learned about guilt. The first lesson was going to be in the form of my brother not playing with me anymore. Sure I had Tuan. Though I don’t remember playing with him. It was an age rank thing. Oldest plays with the middle, the middle plays with the youngest, but never the oldest and youngest. I think it was competition for attention. Not a good mix. Particularly, when I’ve already won over my dad. My mom though, was different. I think she loved me more than my dad, but I didn’t see it. Too busy hanging out with dad. Things were going to change.

To Propell

I am a stick, thin, cylindrical, with two propellers at the top. In the right hands, I can twirl over houses and tree tops. Just put me between your flatten hands, spin me, step back, and watch me fly. You’ll see how high I can fly. You’ll wonder when I’ll ever come down. But most of all, you’ll want to fly just as high.

This here is my new buddy, Timmy. His dad kept me away in the attic for years. Probably jealous of my abilities. But fortunately, Timmy here found me. And very fortunate he will be as I’ll dazzle him with my abilities.

Ah, this must be your friends. I get it. Showing me off, just like your dad did. That’s it, go ahead. Give me a try.

You’re going to spin me faster than that.

See. I’m just going to float in front of everyone with that puny attempt.

Ah, and here I go onto the grass. Hurry up. Pick me up. It’s dirty down here. You don’t want me dirty do you? Whoa! And tell your friends to watch their step. Such neanderthals! Come on, already.

Okay. That’s better. Was starting to think you’ve forgotten about me. But that’s absurd.

Now, take your time. There. That’s right. Opposite ends of your hands. Tips of the fingers on one and bottom of the palm with the other. That’s maximizing your power kid. It’s like you already knew. Go for it.

Oh yeah. Look at me go. I’m soaring.

What’s this? Is that what I… yep, yes it is. You’re in luck kid. There’s a breeze and its giving me quite an updraft. Oh this whole time I thought it was you’re spin. I thought wrong. You’re dad was much much stronger. I can barely see over these houses. Your dad though. He was a champ. He definitely got me over them. And that’s without the wind. Ha. You got the winds to help and you’re barely even there. My you look so small from up here. That’s right. Follow me to where I’ll land. Put up your hands and be the first to catch me. Can’t wait now huh?

All of you saw what Timmy can do with me right? You want to see if you’re just as good? Or maybe even better? Let’s see what you got.

Oh. Hey there.

Kinda big to be hanging out with Timmy aren’t you? Don’t got too many friends your age do you? How sad.

But hey, you got me now kid… er… boy. Let me amaze you with my performance. Let me show you that you can dream again. Let me, ewww! Why are the tips of your fingers so sticky? Is that? You know what, I’m not going to think about it. You surely look more capable than Timmy. And there, you got the technique with the hands down. And what’s this? Oh my, unbelievable! You bending your knees. Very impressive. I’m going to get quite a use from you. Now show me what you got.

Perfection!

Look at me.

Just look at me.

And right on que, there’s the updraft.

All you kids below just wish you can fly as high as me. You’re like little ants to me. Oh if you could just feel how good this feels. Soaring above the yard, soaring above the houses, and how’s this for a treat. I’m soaring above the trees. Oh God, look at that. Just look at that sunset. It’s beautiful. Never have I thought I’d see it. The sun. The horizon. The start and end of the days. It’s nothing more than carpet of trees holding up the yolk of the sun. All on the endless canvas of the ocean sky. It’s magnificent.

I’m magnificent.

And I’m, coming down toward those trees. Timmy? Awkwardly large kid? You’re keeping an eye on me right? Following me to where I’ll land, right? You morons can’t see I’m heading into the trees?

Oh fuck.

Just great. Just fucking great. I’m stuck.

Stupid kids.

Serves them right. They don’t deserve me. They can stay down there and play in the mud. I got the best seat on this planet. Best view. Fresh air. I can everything. See the day start. See when it ends. See disaster coming miles away. And most of all, not be bothered by whatever’s down below. Perfect. That sun sure sets fast. Never thought something so lazy can move so fast. Go on. You leave me too. I don’t need your light. I know the saying. How’s it go again? Oh yeah, “it’s lonely at the top.” Pshh, whatever.

Man. How long have I been up here?

Hey! What the hell! Stop it with the rocks! Who’s throwing rocks at me?

Oh, it’s you Timmy. I see how it is. Yeah, you can’t stand me being up here can you? Can’t stand seeing someone you know sitting on top of the world while you’re down there in the dirt. Well, you blew your chance with me. You had me all to yourself, but then you…

Ow! Son of a bitch!

God dang that hurt.

Stop it with the rocks you little douche bag. I’m happy up here. Leave me alone.

Ahhh… you motherfucker! Oh that hurt. That really really hurt. Owww… owww…. Man, who knew getting hit there would hurt so bad. Ssssss… ow. Fuck. I know it’s broke. It’s gotta be broke. Oh dang, it is broke.

Wait. Where am I?

Timmy? How did I get down here?

Hey! No, no, don’t touch that, it’s bro… ow, shit… oh hey, you fixed it.

Well.

Look at that.

Thanks.

I mean, thanks. Really.

Not for fixing me, well that too, but thanks for getting me down. It’s nice up there and all. But you know. I’d rather be here with you. Yeah, I know… I don’t act like it, thinking big and almighty. But, you know, I’m nothing more than a stick… a skinny stick with two little propelly thingies. Just wanted to impress you. Make you to think I was more than just that. But, if that’s all you wanted, you can keep my propeller broken so I don’t fly as high. Ever again. Ever, without you.