9. i was pissed

I was pissed. Frantic even. Maybe a bit anxious too.

No.

That’s not it.

I’m not sure if there are any words to describe it. You know. Scared that you don’t know what’s going on. Angry cause you’re all alone. Worried that something bad has happened or even about to happen. All this was boiling me. Like a pot of real Cajun gumbo. The kind that puts you to tears just smelling it. Yeah. That’s what i felt like inside of me. Inside this stupid little forsaken cabin. No television. No phone. No other person within a shouting distance.

Not that anyone would come help me at this point. I was there pacing back and forth. Knife still in hand. Anyone looking in would think I’m some maniac. Probably the reason why that wolf hadn’t returned. Yet.

Fuck.

It was so dark outside.

“Where are they?”

Fuck it.

I decided to look for Joanne’s keys. Staying in here would make me insane. Cabin fever. Now I understood.

“Where did she leave them?”

Shit.

It wasn’t on the counter. Not on any of the tables. I went into her room. I know. A bit messed up I’d go through her things. But at that point. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Even so. I really didn’t care. My mind was on a mission. Find those keys and get out of this place.

The wooden beams on the ceiling looked more like bars of a cage. The windows were meaningless. As clear as they were, they did nothing to repel the gazes from the outside. Trees stood staring in at me. Tall and lanky. You could make out their sillohuettes in the small amounts of moonlight across the sky. All of them huddled together. Like a nosy family staring at a new pet. Wondering. Analyzing what its doing. Why was he hopping around his little cage. Frightened. Confused. There was warmth here. A roof and walls for protection. Food stocked for at least a week. What’s gotten into this little animal? Useless. But still they probably thought they knew me. No one really knows me. Not even Tay. What makes anyone think they know what’s good for me. They never talk talk to me. Just assume. Prescribing only what they know in their lives to mine. It’s never what I needed. It was more like what they needed. And just like my absentminded parents, the forest decided figured they had a solution. Sedate me. Like a parakeet.

I was about done going through Joanne’s things. One duffle and one backpack. No keys. The lights flickered. Once. Then twice. Felt like they were going to stay on. But no, the power went out and I froze.

It’s amazing what they say. When one sense goes out, the others kick in.

That’s exactly what I felt. One by one.

My ear muscles tightened. That feint buzz you always ignore, well it came right into the foreground. It was the primer to any sound I would hear. That sound was the rapid thumps of my heart. Erie, given the fact that I didn’t hear your typical noises from the forest. No crickets, birds, or even rustling. Just me and my ever so increasing heart rate.

When I decided it was best to get downstairs, downstairs having larger windows for the moonlight, my movements became slow. The hairs on my arm could feel every passing air molecule. Step by step. Cautiously. I got to the stairs. Gripped the handrail. The metal edges creased my skin under my fingers. Every step met with a firm hold. The carpet under my feet tingled my apprehensive nerves.

It’s funny that we don’t care how much noise we make when there’s light out, but soon as it’s gone, we become totally aware. In my case, I guess I didn’t want to wash out any noise that may not come from me.

Back on the couch, I stared out.

Same old forest. Clearer though. My eyes had adjusted. It wasn’t as dense as I thought. Actually. It was sparse. Room to fit a four wheeler. No real visible trails. Figure no one really hikes from here. All the stuff you want to see is in the valley. Only thing of interest may be the river down the hill. At that time, I didn’t care for it. My body was calling out. Adrenalin had worked its magic. My body needed to rest.

I realized I left the knife on the coffee table in front of me.

My eyes were tired.

Leaving it there would be like an invitation.

But an invitation for what? My mind wasn’t making much sense. But all I needed to know was that I feared the wolf. If the wolf got inside, it wouldn’t use the knife. I would. At that. I sat there and slept.