6. are you scared

“Are you scared?”

“No.”

Don’t know why I said that. Especially to Tay. And in that way. Like I had balls of steel and the question was insulting. I was scared. A bit apprehensive. Guess I’m still living how my dad wanted me to live. Without any fear, always strong,  never showing any signs of weakness. This was my big problem. I am weak. I am scared. And most of all I was proud. Too proud. Never able to admit anything. Even with my own brother. I wanted to take it back, but we were already entering the house.

The neighborhood had four cabins. Does that count as a neighborhood? Who knows. Privacy must have been a priority. Each were well over a hundred yards of each other. Every one of them unique and fancy. Not big, but lavish enough to be outside your typical definition of a cabin. Whoever owned them though sure put a price on them. A mistake on their part with this recession. No one has time to relax in the mountains. Everyone was back in town working hard to keep their jobs. And here we are. Mustered enough money to give ourselves a treat. Some R & R. Yeah right. Instead we spent our hard earned paychecks to test our sanity.

I knew right away when I stepped in.

The place was too quiet. The neighborhood was unmarred. Everything was an oasis compared what was on the outskirts. So of course things were never that simple. Joe and Tammy were not here. nothing out of the ordinary. They finished the leftovers. Hadn’t gone into the hot tub. Everything in their room was still there. Minus whatever they took along with them. Which included one of the cars.

We had three cars total. Our group actually carpooled while Thomas and Joanne drove separately. A waste of gas, but hey, our schedules conflicted and Joanne came from San Francisco. Glad she came through. This would have been one odd male bonding trip. Especially with Joe’s surprise guest.

“Leave it up to him to complicate things.”

Tay gave me one disapproving look from that comment.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

He shook his head and surveyed the room. I pissed him off again. He looked for any clues. But mainly to keep from looking at me. I stood of course. I never know what to do when I’m wrong.

After one clean sweep of the ground floor, he went back out the front door. He called everyone in. Joanne was scared to come in. And chivalrous Thomas stayed with her inside the car. Which they left running. I sure hope they wouldn’t leave us if they saw something. That would be pretty messed up. Don’t think that would be in Thomas’ character though. Prankster. But not a dick.

“Where are they?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did they leave?”

“Not sure. They took your car though.”

Thomas didn’t seem to mind. He shot a glance over to the counter. A way to re-affirm what Tay said. Yep. His keys were gone. It wasn’t an issue for him or the others. Their main thing now was on what to do.

“Beer.”

“Are we out?”

“No. But it looks like we’re low.”

It didn’t take long to figure it out. Extra person meant we did get enough beer. This meant beer for him and his girlfriend. We were all light weights. Me especially. One beer gets me flush drunk. One more gets me puking. Can’t say I’m much into the party scene. All just a time to showboat anyways. Who can really have fun when you can’t think straight? That’s just moronic.

“There’s only one store on the way out. I’m sure he’s there.”

Our next course of action had been decided. The thing though, it didn’t include me. I figure it was punishment for my comment earlier. Tay didn’t flinch.

“You’re staying here in case he comes back. Call us if he comes home before us.”

The others had a look of protest. But when my brother says it in that older brother way, no one contests. I’m sure Thomas would agree that was fucked up. But it was fine. I’m inside this house. I don’t have to do anything. I can relax and catch up on my reading. the only thing I dreaded was if Joe really did come back. I’d be stuck there with just him and his girlfriend. That’s my real fear. My real inconvenience. I’d have to keep to myself until the others returned. My Murakami book was already three quarters of the way done. The most interesting parts are already passed. The story was coming to a close. I’m not interested in those parts. It took me a week to get through most of the book. It’s been taking me months to finish it. So you can thinking of how bad it’ll be trying to finish it when Joe starts being a loud mouth again. Talking about how I should watch sports or do something interesting with my life. It’s nothing but condescension whenever we end up talking. Fucking prick. Like his life was the model people should lead. One hour with him would be an eternity in hell.

But as bad as that would have been, it could be chalked up to wishful thinking. That is, if any of that did happen. Joe returning. Tay returning. Anyone returning to the cabin.

When they walked out the door. I closed the heavy wooden door behind them. By habit, I turned the golden knob above the handle. the bolt locked into place. And it was all quiet inside. I only heard their feet on the pavement. The car doors slam. One, then the other followed by the third. The engine started. The deep roar of the engine came to life. The tires rolled off the driveway. Shifted. And they were off. My head was still against the door when I couldn’t hear the car anymore.

I felt pissed. More at myself than anyone.

But what I really should have felt was scared.